Active Listening: Why the Best Communicators Talk Less

"The biggest communication problem is that we listen to reply – not to understand."

This observation hits the core. In tech teams, where complex problems need solving, real understanding is key. And that begins with active listening.

What Is Active Listening?

Active listening is a communication technique where you focus completely on the speaker to truly understand what is meant – not just what is said.

The Three Levels of Listening

Level 1: Internal Listening

• Focus on your own thoughts
• "What will I say next?"
• "I know this, it happened to me too"
• Listening to react

Level 2: Focused Listening

• Attention on the speaker
• Content is understood
• But: Context and emotions are missed

Level 3: Global Listening (Active Listening)

• Full presence
• Words + tone + body language
• Emotions and unspoken meanings
• Understanding the whole person

The Difference

Why Active Listening Is So Important in Tech

1. Understanding Requirements

Stakeholder: "We need the feature faster."

PASSIVELY HEARD:
→ "He wants us to work faster"
→ Pressure, stress, potentially quality loss

ACTIVELY HEARD:
→ "What does he mean by 'faster'? Development? Loading?"
→ Follow-up: "Can you tell me more? What's the
   actual problem?"
→ Result: The feature is done, but load time is too long.
   Solution: Performance optimization, not faster coding.

2. Diagnosing Bugs and Problems

User: "The app doesn't work."

PASSIVELY HEARD:
→ "Something is broken"
→ Hours of debugging without direction

ACTIVELY HEARD:
→ Follow-up: "What exactly happens? What did you expect?
   What happened instead? When does it occur?"
→ Result: Specific reproduction scenario in 5 minutes

3. Recognizing Team Dynamics

In standup someone says: "Everything's fine."

PASSIVELY HEARD:
→ Check off, next person

ACTIVELY HEARD:
→ Notice tone: does that sound convinced?
→ Body language: Eye contact? Open posture?
→ Context: Was yesterday a difficult day?
→ Possibly follow up: "All good? You seem a bit different today."

The HEAR Technique

A framework for active listening:

H – Halt (Pause)

What: Stop everything else. Close laptop. Put phone away. Park thoughts.

Why: You can't listen while doing something else simultaneously. Multitasking while listening is a myth.

Exercise:

• Before someone speaks: Take one breath
• Consciously decide: "Now I listen"
• Turn your body toward the speaker

E – Engage

What: Show that you're listening. Verbal and nonverbal.

Nonverbal:

• Eye contact (not staring)
• Nodding
• Open body posture
• Lean slightly forward

Verbal:

• "Mhm", "Yes", "I understand"
• Brief confirmations, no interruptions

A – Anticipate

What: Try to understand what lies behind the words.

Questions to yourself:

• What is this person feeling?
• What do they really need?
• What aren't they saying?
• Why are they telling me this?

R – Replay

What: Mirror back what you understood.

Techniques:

• Paraphrase: "If I understand correctly..."
• Summarize: "So to summarize..."
• Clarify: "Do you mean that...?"

Practical Techniques

1. Paraphrasing

Purpose: Show you understood. Uncover misunderstandings.

Formula:

"If I understand correctly, [summary in your own words]. Is that right?"

Example:

Colleague: "The deployment yesterday was a disaster.
           Nothing worked, and then the server
           was down too."

Paraphrase: "You're saying the deployment had multiple
            issues – both at the application and
            infrastructure level?"

Colleague: "Yes exactly. And the worst part was that
           nobody was available."

→ Now you understand that the real problem
  was the lack of support.

2. Asking Open Questions

Purpose: Learn more. Deeper understanding.

Closed question: "Did that work?" Open question: "How did it go?"

Good open questions:

• "Tell me more about that."
• "How did you experience that?"
• "What do you mean by...?"
• "What would be ideal for you?"
• "How can I help?"

3. Naming Emotions

Purpose: Show you understand not just content, but feelings.

Formula:

"That sounds [emotion]. Is that right?"

Example:

Developer: "I've rewritten this feature for the third
            time because requirements keep changing."

Response: "That sounds frustrating."

Developer: "Yeah, totally. I don't know what I'm even
           working for anymore."

→ Now you understand: It's not just about the work,
  but about a missing sense of purpose.

4. Tolerating Silence

Purpose: Give space. People need time to think.

Problem: We fill silence immediately with our own words.

Exercise:

• After a statement: Wait 3 seconds
• Don't respond immediately
• The other person will often continue on their own

Example:

You: "How are you doing with the project?"
Colleague: "Good, I think."
[3 seconds of silence]
Colleague: "Well, actually... I'm not sure
           if I can do this."

→ The real answer comes after the silence.

5. Not Interrupting

Problem: We interrupt because we:

• Already know what's coming
• Want to share our idea
• Are impatient

Rule: Let the other person finish. Always.

If you really must interrupt:

"Sorry to interrupt – I want to make sure I understand correctly. You're saying..."

Active Listening in Typical Tech Situations

In 1:1 Conversations

STRUCTURE:
1. Opening: "How are you?"
2. Listen (70% of the time)
3. Ask follow-ups and paraphrase
4. Only then: Your own points

AVOID:
- Pushing your own agenda
- Immediately offering solutions
- Dominating the conversation

In Code Review

BEFORE (passive):
"That's wrong. Do it like this: [code]"

AFTER (active):
"I see you chose [approach]. Tell me more
about your thought process."
[Listen]
"Interesting. Did you also consider [alternative]?
I ask because [reason]."

In Meetings

TECHNIQUES:
- Take notes (shows attention)
- Summarize: "Let me summarize what I've
  heard so far..."
- Ask follow-ups: "[Name], you were quiet earlier –
  what do you think?"
- Bridge: "That connects to [previous statement]..."

In Conflicts

APPROACH:
1. Listen to both sides individually
2. Paraphrase what each said
3. Ask until you understand
4. Only then: Find solutions together

NEVER:
- Immediately take a position
- Interrupt one side
- Present your interpretation as fact

In Remote Meetings

CHALLENGES:
- No body language
- Easier to get distracted
- Technical issues

SOLUTIONS:
- Camera on
- Use chat for brief confirmations
- Summarize more explicitly
- Use "I hear that..." more often

Common Listening Mistakes

1. Solution Mode

Problem: Immediately offering solutions before the problem is understood.

WRONG:
Colleague: "I'm stuck with this task."
You: "Have you tried X? Or Y? Or Z?"

RIGHT:
You: "Tell me, where exactly are you stuck?"
[Listen]
You: "Okay, so the problem is [paraphrase]?"
[Confirmation]
You: "Do you want to brainstorm together, or do you
    need someone to just listen?"

2. Autobiographical Listening

Problem: Relating everything to your own experiences.

WRONG:
Colleague: "I had a stressful sprint."
You: "Oh yeah, I had one like that last month too.
    So what happened was... [5 minutes about yourself]"

RIGHT:
You: "Sounds exhausting. What was particularly stressful?"

3. Judging

Problem: Immediately judging instead of understanding.

WRONG:
Colleague: "I worked over the weekend."
You: "You shouldn't do that." (Judgment)

RIGHT:
You: "How did that happen?" (Understanding)

4. Anticipating

Problem: Finishing the other person's sentence.

WRONG:
Colleague: "I think we should..."
You: "...cancel the meeting? Yeah, I agree!"

RIGHT:
[Wait until the other person finishes]

Training Active Listening

Daily Exercise: The 5-Minute Conversation

1. Choose one conversation per day
2. Set the goal: 5 minutes of just listening
3. No interruption, no solution
4. Only: Understand and ask questions

Weekly Reflection

Ask yourself every Friday:

• Which conversation did I listen well in?
• Which one not?
• What distracted me?
• What will I focus on next week?

Get Feedback

Ask trusted people:

• "Do you feel heard by me?"
• "What could I do better when listening?"
• "When did I last interrupt you?"

The ROI of Active Listening

Conclusion: Listening as a Leadership Skill

Active listening isn't a passive activity – it's hard work. It requires:

• Full attention
• Setting ego aside
• Patience
• Practice

But it's one of the highest-leverage tools you have as a tech leader. Teams where listening happens are teams with psychological safety. And that's the foundation for everything else.

The challenge for this week:

Have a conversation where you:

1. Don't interrupt
2. Paraphrase at least three times
3. Ask more than you tell

You'll be surprised what you learn – about the topic and about yourself.

Want to develop your communication as a leader? Our guide to Emotional Intelligence shows how you don't just hear, but truly understand.