Conflict Management: Why the Best Teams Argue

"We don't have conflicts in our team."

This statement sounds positive, but it's a warning sign. Teams without visible conflicts usually have one of two problems:

1. Conflicts are swept under the rug (explode later)
2. Nobody says their honest opinion (groupthink)

Healthy teams have conflicts – and resolve them constructively.

Why Conflicts Are Inevitable

The Nature of Teamwork

DIFFERENT PEOPLE MEAN:
- Different perspectives
- Different priorities
- Different work styles
- Different communication styles

+ SCARCE RESOURCES:
- Limited time
- Limited budget
- Limited attention

= CONFLICTS ARE PROGRAMMED IN

Conflict ≠ Bad

Typical Conflicts in Tech Teams

1. Technical Disagreements

EXAMPLES:
- Which technology/architecture?
- Refactoring vs. feature
- Code style and standards
- "Right" solution for a problem

WHY THEY ESCALATE:
- High identification with own solution
- "My way is better" = ego
- Lack of objective criteria

2. Resource Conflicts

EXAMPLES:
- Who gets the senior developers?
- Budget for tools/training
- Priority on the roadmap
- Time for tech debt

WHY THEY ESCALATE:
- Zero-sum thinking
- Lack of transparency in decisions
- Different stakeholder interests

3. Communication Conflicts

EXAMPLES:
- Misunderstandings in remote communication
- Different communication styles
- Unspoken expectations
- Feedback perceived as attack

WHY THEY ESCALATE:
- Interpretation instead of asking
- Asynchronous communication distorts
- Missing relationship foundation

4. Personality Conflicts

EXAMPLES:
- "I can't work with X"
- Different work styles (detail vs. big picture)
- Introverted vs. extroverted
- Direct vs. diplomatic

WHY THEY ESCALATE:
- Differences seen as deficits
- Lack of empathy
- Past incidents carried forward

Recognizing Conflict Stages

The Glasl Model (Simplified)

STAGE 1-3: WIN-WIN STILL POSSIBLE
─────────────────────────────────
1. Tension
   - Hardening of positions
   - Still factual

2. Debate
   - Polarization
   - Black-and-white thinking

3. Actions Instead of Words
   - Actions without coordination
   - Communication breaks down

STAGE 4-6: WIN-LOSE
─────────────────────────────────
4. Coalitions
   - Camps form
   - Others get involved

5. Loss of Face
   - Public attacks
   - Image damage

6. Threat Strategies
   - Ultimatums
   - Power demonstrations

STAGE 7-9: LOSE-LOSE
─────────────────────────────────
7. Limited Destruction
   - Causing damage
   - Own damage accepted

8. Fragmentation
   - Systematic destruction

9. Together into the Abyss
   - Self-destruction

When to Intervene?

STAGE 1-3:
→ Team can often solve it themselves
→ Moderated discussion helps
→ Leader as facilitator

STAGE 4-6:
→ Active intervention needed
→ Mediation by neutral person
→ Leader must act

STAGE 7-9:
→ External help (HR, coach)
→ Possibly separation needed
→ Damage control

Conflict Resolution Strategies

The Thomas-Kilmann Model

Five strategies, depending on the situation:

                   ASSERTIVE (own interests)
                          ↑
                          │
     Competing           │          Collaborating
     (Win-Lose)          │          (Win-Win)
                          │
                          │
    ←─────────────────────┼───────────────────────→
                          │           COOPERATIVE
                          │        (Other's
     Avoiding            │         interests)
     (Lose-Lose)         │
                          │
                    Compromising      Accommodating
                    (Split)          (Lose-Win)
                          │
                          ↓

When Which Strategy?

Collaborating (Win-Win):

• When both interests are important
• When there's time for deep discussion
• When long-term relationship matters
• "How can we achieve both?"

Competing (Win-Lose):

• In emergencies
• On clear principles
• When quick decision is needed
• Use sparingly!

Compromising (Split):

• When time is short
• When both positions are legitimate
• As temporary solution
• "We meet in the middle"

Accommodating (Lose-Win):

• When the topic is less important to you
• When you were wrong
• To build goodwill
• Not from conflict avoidance!

Avoiding (Lose-Lose):

• When topic is trivial
• When cooling off is needed
• When others can solve it better
• Not as permanent strategy!

The Conflict Conversation

Preparation

BEFORE THE CONVERSATION:

1. GATHER FACTS
   - What exactly happened?
   - Who says what?
   - What's fact, what's interpretation?

2. CHECK YOUR EMOTIONS
   - Am I calm enough?
   - Do I have an agenda?
   - Can I be neutral?

3. PLAN SETTING
   - Neutral location
   - Enough time
   - No interruptions
   - All relevant people

4. DEFINE GOAL
   - What should the outcome be?
   - What's the minimum?
   - What's nice-to-have?

Flow

PHASE 1: OPENING (5 min)
──────────────────────────
- Set the frame
- Clarify conversation goal
- Establish ground rules

"We're here to discuss [topic].
My goal is for us to find a solution together.
Can we agree to let each other finish speaking?"

PHASE 2: HEAR PERSPECTIVES (20 min)
──────────────────────────────────────
- Each side speaks
- Don't interrupt
- Listen actively
- Summarize

"[Name A], tell me your view of things."
[Listen]
"If I understand correctly... Is that right?"

"[Name B], now you."
[Listen]
"If I understand correctly... Is that right?"

PHASE 3: IDENTIFY INTERESTS (10 min)
───────────────────────────────────────
- Under positions lie interests
- What's really important?
- Find commonalities

"What's most important to you about this topic?"
"What are you worried about?"
"What would make a good solution for you?"

PHASE 4: DEVELOP SOLUTIONS (15 min)
───────────────────────────────────────
- Brainstorm together
- Don't evaluate immediately
- Be creative

"What options do we have?"
"What if we...?"
"Is there a solution that works for both?"

PHASE 5: AGREEMENT (5 min)
─────────────────────────────
- Concrete next steps
- Who does what by when?
- Schedule follow-up

"What do we take away? Who does what?
When do we talk again?"

PHASE 6: CLOSING (5 min)
─────────────────────────────
- Thank
- End positively
- Strengthen relationship

"Thanks for being willing to discuss this."

Conversation Techniques

Active Listening:

- Eye contact
- Nodding
- Summarize: "So you're saying..."
- Ask follow-ups: "What do you mean by...?"
- Don't interrupt

I-Statements:

NOT: "You dominated the meeting."
BETTER: "I didn't feel heard in the meeting."

Reframing:

ORIGINAL: "He always blocks everything!"
REFRAME: "It sounds like there are different
          ideas about quality standards."

Normalizing:

"It's normal for different opinions to come up
on topics like this.
It shows that this topic matters to you."

Moderating Conflicts as a Leader

The Leader's Role

YOU ARE:
- Moderator, not judge
- Facilitator, not decision-maker (if possible)
- Neutral process guide

YOU ARE NOT:
- Party to one side
- The one who knows the "right" solution
- Therapist (for deeper issues: HR/external help)

When to Intervene?

INTERVENE WHEN:
- Conflict escalates (stage 4+)
- Team performance suffers
- Others get pulled in
- Someone asks for help

DON'T INTERVENE (at first) WHEN:
- Factual disagreement
- Team can solve it themselves
- Learning opportunity for those involved

Common Leader Mistakes

Mistake 1: Taking Sides

NOT:
"I understand Tom, Maria is too sensitive."

BETTER:
"I hear that you have different perspectives.
Let's understand both."

Mistake 2: Ignoring and Hoping

NOT:
"It will sort itself out."

REALITY:
Conflicts usually escalate when ignored.

BETTER:
Address early, before it escalates.

Mistake 3: Solving Too Quickly

NOT:
"Okay, we'll do it this way: [your solution]."

BETTER:
Moderate the process, let the team find the solution.
The best solution is the one that comes from the team.

Mistake 4: Avoiding from Discomfort

NOT:
"Conflicts are uncomfortable, so I'll avoid them."

REALITY:
Avoiding makes it worse.

BETTER:
Accept discomfort, act anyway.
That's part of the leadership job.

Special Conflict Situations

Remote Conflicts

CHALLENGES:
- No body language
- Misunderstandings through text
- Escalation faster (no face-to-face inhibition)

SOLUTIONS:
- Video calls for conflict conversations (camera on!)
- Don't resolve via chat/email
- Communicate more explicitly
- Check tone of voice before sending

Conflicts with Remote Context

TYPICAL:
Slack message gets misinterpreted.

EXAMPLE:
"That's interesting." (meant: neutral)
→ Read as: "That's sarcastic/critical"

SOLUTION:
- When in doubt, call
- Emojis can help (sometimes)
- Ask when unclear

Conflict Between Teams

TYPICAL:
- Team A blames Team B for incident
- Resource competition between teams
- "They don't understand us"

SOLUTION:
1. Hear both teams (separately)
2. Joint meeting with structure
3. Focus on shared goals
4. Concrete agreements
5. Ensure follow-up

Conflict with a "Difficult" Person

CAUTION:
"Difficult" is often a perspective.
Question: Difficult for whom? Why?

POSSIBILITIES:
1. Different work styles (not a deficit)
2. Real behavioral problem
3. Person-role mismatch
4. External factors (stress, personal situation)

APPROACH:
- Don't label ("they're difficult")
- Address specific behavior
- Try to understand
- Set clear expectations

Conflict Prevention

A Culture of Constructive Disagreement

MEASURES:

1. PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY
   - Disagreement is okay
   - Admitting mistakes is safe
   - Build [Psychological Safety](/en/blog/psychological-safety-tech-teams)

2. CLEAR NORMS
   - How do we discuss?
   - How do we give feedback?
   - How do we make decisions?

3. ADDRESS EARLY
   - Don't collect small issues
   - Feedback culture
   - Use retros

4. BUILD RELATIONSHIPS
   - Get to know people
   - Build trust
   - Then conflicts are easier

Team Agreements

EXAMPLE TEAM AGREEMENT:

"For disagreements:
1. We discuss factually, not personally
2. We let each other finish
3. We ask before we judge
4. We seek win-win solutions
5. If we're stuck: We get help"

Retrospectives as Outlet

RETROS ENABLE:
- Regular space for tensions
- Structured framework
- Focus on improvement
- Before it escalates

RETRO QUESTIONS FOR TENSIONS:
- What's going well in our collaboration?
- What could we improve?
- What has frustrated me lately?
- What do I need from the team?

Conclusion: Conflict as Opportunity

Conflicts aren't the problem – how we handle them is the problem.

Constructively resolved conflicts:

• Create better solutions
• Strengthen relationships
• Build trust
• Foster innovation

Core Principles:

1. Don't avoid: Address early
2. Understand before solving: Hear perspectives
3. Stay factual: Behavior, not person
4. Seek win-win: Joint solutions
5. Build culture: Prevention is better than intervention

Your Challenge:

Think of a conflict you're currently avoiding. What's holding you back from addressing it? What's the first small step?

Take it today. Don't wait until it escalates.

Want to understand how to handle difficult conversations? Our guide to Constructive Criticism shows techniques for feedback that lands and works.